Driving At Night (July, 2022)

This long prose poem was written during and about a moment in time when I felt like everything seemed poised to go nowhere but down. It’s a reflection of the year I’ve had and the things I’ve been trying to remind myself as I try to keep myself aligned. I don’t want to present myself in this way, but at the same time I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. I am actively seeking the help I need to better myself and work through the issues that I have, past and present.

If there’s one lesson to take away it’s this: There’s no shame in admitting weakness. There’s no shame in admitting something is wrong. There’s no shame in asking for help. To recognize a fault in our selves is not weakness, but self awareness.

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Driving at night was largely a solo activity, There was a time when there were acquaintances that joined in but that was during college, At that time you walked instead of drove, You didn’t have the money and the distance between the dorms and the parking lot was that of a football field

After graduating from college you didn’t really walk or drive the way you did before, At least not right away, In the two years since then you had two jobs, The first job you were excited for since it was the first one after college, You felt like you were a real adult moving up in the world, This was before you learned that the brain doesn’t stop developing till your mid-to-late twenties effectively making you still more young than adult, The job paid enough for you to continue living with your dad and brother and the money you made in tipping helped you save money for whatever happened later down the road, Eventually you work yourself to the bone for that godforsaken place serving your god-awful neighbors and customers who believe the adage “the customer is always right”, Then you reach the point of exhaustion, One day you’re feeling well and don’t want to come in on account of not wanting to get anyone else sick customer or employee, You come up with a plan to get someone to cover your shift in the morning, Said plan goes to shit when you close your eyes and wake up very much past the time you’re supposed to be at work with your boss calling and calling, They tell you that you were now deemed “unreliable” despite the fact that this was the first time that this had ever happened, At this point your boss tells you that if you do not come in the punishment will get worse, After that uncomfortable conversation and despite the intimidation tactic your manager tried you still come to the conclusion that you were not up to go to work and you were still feeling unwell, You decide to send her a text that was only supposed to let her know you were still not coming in but the frustration got the better of you and you text her about everything that was wrong with her and the way she was running things, You don’t remember everything you said but the main thing was you expressed your frustration with the job, Part of you hoped that maybe things would change that maybe your manager would work with you to try and make things better for you and your coworkers, Deep down you knew that wasn’t gonna happen

You’re fired the next day, The manager says that they wrote you up and gave you three strikes for not showing up to work, They admonished you for not having the same loyalty to the job and the company as they had, They wanted you to come in sick, The company was doing everything they can to help you out and you were screwing with them, You didn’t argue it nor did you make a fuss about it, You felt bad and the manager made you feel that way, At the time you bought into the “company is family” bullshit and not thinking about how family would listen and provide for you without argument, Family would fight for you to get a better wage and point out that it was unfair for you to be paid less than everyone else just because you were in a different position, At the time you told yourself you didn’t want to make things worse for your manager and co-workers

In retrospect you should’ve defended yourself, You should’ve gotten a lawyer, You should’ve seen that she was using you and everyone else in that building, If you could burn the building down you would

Lessons that were learned:

1) The customer can be right but never not wrong

2) You can have friends be family and family be friends but those titles have to be earned not given

3) If someone’s telling you to come to work no matter your condition they don’t see you as family but a pawn in a game of chess you weren’t playing

…..

You’re on the highway thirty miles from where you live, Pass through two towns while you were thinking about that first job, That’s okay though, It’s what you think about whenever you drive, The thought occurs to you that you should turn around and start heading back, You think to yourself you should act on it before you forget and go as far as crossing the Mississippi, As you start the act of turning around more memories begin to occupy your mind for a while, It starts before you even know it, Like a smash cut

Your second job is similar to the first but at a different location with some different responsibilities, At least that’s what you tell yourself, The manager is much more understanding the place is more relaxed, Customers are nicer as well though you don’t know if it’s because you’re in a different town or if this was only temporary, As you begin working there you learn the store’s short-comings, Technology is outdated and actively gets in the way of doing your job, The oven itself was from the eighties and was in need of repair, The town you worked in had many problems and annoyances that were similar if not worse than the town you worked in before, Over time the people you liked working with in the beginning start dropping off for better pastures and the people you only kind of tolerate start to show their true colors, One shift lead outs himself as a racist and a Trump supporter while another coworker admits that if his family were dying and the only way to cure them was to say ‘nigger’ he would say it, You don’t remember how the conversation lead to that statement but it’s the only one you remember clear as day, The two of them were gone some time later

By now you’re taking a slightly different route back to your place which takes longer but you don’t mind, It wasn’t like you had anywhere pressing to be at 2:30 in the morning

You’re in a bad mood one night and you make the mistake of thinking you’re leaving earlier than you actually were, One of the shift leads that you were more than cordial with up till this point gets visibly upset with you, You notice and realize your mistake, You apologize right then and you plan on apologizing the next time you work together two days later, That day comes and things start off fine enough, It was mostly quiet at least, It turned sour when things got busy, She starts yelling at you for mistakes and problems that you weren’t even in the building for, You confront her when everything calmed down and tell her that what she’s doing is unfair and that she needs to stop, Another mistake was thinking that she would be reasonable, She open insults you and makes your job much much harder, You call your manager and tell him everything that was happening play by play, Minute by minute almost, He says “He’ll do what he can” but what he did did nothing, If anything it made it worse, The yelling continues even worsens and things escalate to become everything but physical as the days go on, She said she hopes she’s fired, Said that you were a good-for-nothing asshole, That you would not make it as a shift lead yourself with that kind of attitude, You tell her she’s acting like a damn child

She said verbatim “You know I’ve seen you cry like a little baby in the middle of the store”

That little comment still pisses you off to this day

You met with the store manager and the regional manager to discuss what happened and what to do to resolve it, You explain everything exactly the way you told it before on the phone and again on the ‘formal complaint’ form, She continued to put it all on you and made vague excuses for why she did and said what she did, She should’ve been fired, You knew that was supposed to be the end result, Everyone else could see it, You thought somewhere deep down the manager knew it too

After everything she said and did to you the only thing that happened was that you were put into separate shifts, She’s ‘reprimanded’ and continued to be a shift lead, You weren’t comfortable with the result but you thought maybe she would see the error of her ways, But she didn’t, The brief time you worked together later on out of necessity she thanked you for staying one night and then the next she was continuing to act the way she did before, Your coworkers make excuses and start seemingly to see you as an annoyance in some ways, They said they were on your side but if that was the case why didn’t they help, Why didn’t they see what you saw, Why didn’t they listen to you

You think about what happened again and again, You come up with scenarios, Scenes where x y or z happened instead, What if you were more confident, What if you had more say in things, You come up with things that you could’ve said, Would’ve said, Should’ve said, You continue to sit in the feedback loop you’ve set yourself up for, At some point you start shouting into silence at the people in your head that everything that happened was bullshit, They didn’t do enough, They didn’t want to help, They didn’t care about you, They couldn’t give an ounce of a fuck about you, You start thinking again about what you did and didn’t do, You didn’t do enough, You didn’t do anything to help yourself, You didn’t care nor did you want to change, You did everything right and you still got fucked, This was considered failure but now it’s considered part of life, If this was considered life it was unfair, It was so damn hard, What’s the point of playing a game that was rigged from the beginning, What’s the point of going on if you knew all this, You start to feel something bubbling in your chest, An emotional gag reflex, Your head starts to swim, You feel nausea and lumps building up in your throat, You’d let out a sob then several more and even more after that and on and on till you were all tapped out, Until you were dazed and confused tired of running and dying of thirst you’d tumble all the way down this mountain, You start

…..

About two-thirds if the way home there’s a gas station you stop at sometimes, You would get fuel if you needed it otherwise you go inside and you get donuts, You’d get a soda if it was the weekend, Weekdays you get juice or Gatorade to try and not stay up too long (it doesn’t work but you try anyway), As you walk through the station to get what you needed the remnants of the imaginary shouting match played on in your mind, You focus on making your purchase and getting out of there, You’re friendly with the cashier asking how they were and cracking jokes and such, You’ve worked the night shift and know how hard it can be, Every bit of relief goes a long way

When you get back to the car and go on your way you remind yourself that what’s happening is in your head and nowhere else, You can’t change the past only view it, Think on it, Remember it, And it’s no good to look to the future

More lessons, Previously learned:

4) Looking at the future leads to prediction which leads to fantasy

5) Fantasy and memory are the same thing and can drown you if you’re not careful

You tell yourself the present is the only time that matters, It may be informed by the past but it shapes the future and should not be ignored, What matters now in this moment is that you are okay, You are the master of your domain, You’re not where you were then nor where you are now and you wouldn’t be here if it never happened

Two final lessons, One realized at time of writing, One told a long while ago:

6) Memory leads to regret which leads to destruction to self and otherwise

7) The only failure in life is not learning from the past and taking the learned lessons with you

There are times when you forget these lessons and you’ll have to remind yourself again, There’s nothing wrong with that

You’re a creature of habit, after all.

Jeff Rodgers (July, 2022)

Image made with photography, Mirror Lab, and Chroma Lab on Android